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Oct. 31st, 2014 | 08:41 pm

Please add me to see future posts. :)

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(no subject)

Dec. 7th, 2009 | 12:26 am
location: My Bed.
mood: worriedworried
music: None.

Me and Hannah are.. alot closer now.

She came to my house yesterday, and we told eachother that we loved one another, and hugged and stood like statues in an embrace together which seemed like forever.
We are so alike - but really we're not. On the face of it, I am a studious, academic social misfit. And she is a drug addicted, depressive, self-harming, reckless dropout.

But we're both so spiritually the same.

Shes bulimic also. Its hard to deal with, she doesnt eat infront of me. But she'll binge. She also goes to a psychologist and tells me of the dreams she has where she is dieing. So far shes been burned and drowned. Shes cut herself too, which really worries me. She was kicked out of school, and then kicked out of college. She drinks too much, and smokes cannabis, and almost did cocaine once when she was thirteen. But I love her. And I dont know what to do to help her.

Relationship-wise, the idea of sharing everything with one person scares me. I dont know how people can do it. I am a very solitary person. I go into town, for walks and shopping all by myself. I write and sing for and to myself. I keep many secrets - sometimes from myself. How can I share my inner isolation with someone else? Ill have to purge it.

All I can think of is Virgina and Leonard Woolf. If anyone reading this has any experience of dealing with someone with bulimia, self-harm issues etc, can you please comment? Im really worried and I need help. I always seem to be the helper, but where does the helper turn when they need help themselves?


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(no subject)

Nov. 15th, 2009 | 12:22 am
location: My House.
mood: calmcalm
music: Fiona Apple - Never is a Promise

I've been writing a lot of poetry recently. It kind of came from nowhere. I read 'Daddy,' by Sylvia Plath, and I read it so much that I had it locked in memory. And then I thought, 'I can maybe do this!' So I sat on word processor and my fingers ran and ran. I've written like 15 already. But only a couple are like - presentable.

But, I feel like, I can't write anymore until I read more. Larkin. Auden. Hughes. Shelley. Plath. Byron.

It feels like Im in a dream and I'm screaming, but I can't hear myself. Its frustrating. But there is a shop intown that sells second hand books, and a lot of it is poetry. I looked in the window once, and it has a lot of thrown away anthologies, with bleak looking but inticing covers. And there are a lot of people in there, with jumpers and glasses, and I want to be in there, with a jumper and a pair of spectacles.
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(no subject)

Nov. 12th, 2009 | 10:08 pm
location: My House.
mood: tiredtired
music: Tori Amos - Juarez

I seem to be so depressing on this haha.

Helen is coming to mine tomorrow then we are going into town, it should be fun.I might buy a book and she is going to pillage HMV, and buy out all the Glenn Close dvds. I really do enjoy our friendship and our frank conversations.

Saturday is camping again with Hannah, Martyn and Martyns fix Ari. Two two-man tents, four people. Me and Hannah in a tent, for a night. Weird. And plus - its freaking November! Im scared I'll freeze to death.

Sunday is cutting down my Grandmothers tree and my second date with Charlie. He is lovely and I met him for the first time two weeks ago. Im looking forward to seeing him again. :)

I have 4 Nabs in 2 weeks next fortnight. Not good. Not good.

:)

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(no subject)

Nov. 7th, 2009 | 12:22 am
location: My Room
mood: discontentempty
music: Rasputina - Leechwife

Things havent been so good lately, sorry to anyone whos emails I havent replied to.

With Helen getting slowly worse and worse, and whilst concentrating on her, my other friendships are deteriorating.

I apologise for being so depressing on this. I cant tell anyone else, and my occasional journal seems to be the only thing I can talk to, even if noone is really listening.

I think Id like to live in a commune. A commune, where everyone talks and things grow and people keep eachother warm. I seem to be constantly cold.
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(no subject)

Sep. 26th, 2009 | 10:30 pm

If you know me in real life, and you are reading this:

Please tell me.

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(no subject)

Sep. 18th, 2009 | 12:54 pm
location: My House.
mood: confusedconfused
music: Tori Amos - Raining Blood

The door to summer closed, and I am now stuck in the corridor between that season and autumn.

Summer changed me as a person, I found new friends, new parts of Edinburgh, new parts of myself. All I used to wish. But I am still not satisfied. My friends all think I'm gay. Why? Because thats what I told them. I told them too soon, I saw Martyn, and I didnt want to be a stone dragged along in the river of my own life while everything else passes me by. So I told them. Popo, Dreamking, Martyn, Rosie.. No doubt Nehemiah knows too.

I have never been so confused ever. But, as I always know. When someone explains their own confusion, it makes them seem stupid or superficial or both.

I missed the Tori Amos concert. Which tore me up inside slightly, but everything was sewn back into place when I realised what I was on the verge of tears about in the middle of an english lesson.

We all grew up so much. People in my year are pregnant, engaged even. I just feel stupid, childish and immature. It is now I realise doing The Bell Jar for my english Personal study was a mistake. I always get too involved in things.

Being gay isnt all its cracked up to be. It isnt a big part of me. The stigma which infrequently hits me in the face can be shrugged off easily. Being gay, for me, is as big as... my favourite colour being blue. So, whenever asks me what my favourite colour is, and tells me its disgusting. Thats fine. My favourite colour is blue, and I cant change that.

School is fine. English is bearable, our new teacher, the jolly Ms Howie, is entertaining and teaches us well. She thinks Im obsessed with Sylvia Plath, I am slightly, but not to the extent she thinks. Drama is good, apart from the fact that our investigative piece didnt go my way again. Now we've ended up with a comedy about a teenage pageant queen, instead of an almost intelligent and satirical look at modern life. History is okay. Chemistry is okay - the teacher is intolerable. Maths, makes me cry. Yesterday we had a test on differentiation, I flunked it so bad. I even dreamed about it last night, but I dont want to think about it anymore. It didnt mean anything anyway. It was just a small test.

Helen is in all my classes. She is nice, and is slowly becoming one of my best friends. Shes ill, and apparently, the roots of her illness lie in her psychology. The divorce of her parents, was , for her, never resolved and its troubled her ever since. It really stresses me out. I suggested we went to the cinema on wednesday to take her mind off things. But I dont think it worked, on the way home she told me about her father remarrying, everyone on the bus heard. Was I really taking her mind off things? Or just prolonging her absence from home?

Me and Fanny still remain close. She is still as self centred as ever.

Me and the Dreamking became good friends over the summmer, but it fell apart last night, when he told someone that he only 'hangs around with me, so he can rant at me.' Which he does, a lot. Now I hate him. Well. I have hated him for a long time. He is a woman hater.

Aidie is also finally home again. I am meant to be staying at Martyns on saturday, but Im not too keen about it. I might cancel and have a night in with some Chinese food at night, maybe meet Aidie in the daytime.

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(no subject)

Jul. 2nd, 2009 | 01:26 pm
location: My House.
music: Tori Amos - Sugar

Im just waiting for Nehemiah to come over, and we are going to meet Popo later for ice-cream. So in the meantime, I thought I would write a journal.

Summer holidays have finally commenced, and I am looking forward to spend it with all my new friends. Tomorrow Im heading throught to Glasgow, with Rosie and Martyn, I'll hopefully find a few things I like and buy them beacause I know they both wont hold back on the spending. Im happy about spending more time with Rosie, and I am eager to get to know Martyn better.

Me, Danielle, Rosie, Martyn, Popo and the Dreamking, are all meant to be going camping sometime during the holidays. But this plan has been cast into doubt by the increasing tension in the group. The Dreamking has a girfriend called Jennifer, she is pretty nice, a tad boring and can border on being pretentious, but overall she is nice. Rosie and the dreamking had a thing.. a casual relationship, and when nice Jennifer came along, Rosie was dumped. Rosie loves the dreamking, but she wont admit it. So she is left bitter, but is taking it all out on nice Jennifer.

I really hope we do go camping. Me and Rosie are going to sign up to this thing, where you pay £10 pounds and go camping for a weekend with a group of people the same age. This thing focusses on personal development, and meeting new people. Im really glad I met rosie. We seem to understand eachother, which is ultimately good. Rosie asked me to go on this camping trip, I think she gets that I am in need of some personal development. So is she. I think.

I am going to France in just under two weeks with my parents. I am really looking forward to it, Im looking forward to actually speaking French, and feeling continental.

The Norwegian Exchange Student left. Me, her, Popo and Nehemiah went out for food to say goodbye. I dont think she wanted to go home, and by talking to her over msn, her lack of enthusiasm of being back in Norway is clear.

I wish Nehemiah would hurry up.

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(no subject)

Jun. 11th, 2009 | 05:17 pm
location: My House
music: Tori Amos - Siren

So me and Fanny are friends again ok? Dont judge me.

I have to do a personal study on a book for Higher English, and I dont know what book to choose. Possibly... Grace Notes By Bernard McLafferty, Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, or maybe The Hours... or The Bell Jar.

I was also thinking about Notes on a Scandal by Zoe Heller..

anyother suggestions?

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(no subject)

Jun. 3rd, 2009 | 08:07 pm
location: My House.
mood: happyhappy
music: PJ Harvey - Good Fortune


I finished The Bell Jar, I loved every word. I think I am either going to buy Revolutionary Road by Yates or The Waves by Virginia Woolf, I'll see what takes my fancy.

Thursday.
Martyn and Rosie made an impromtu visit to where I live. The Dreamking came out too and we played on the swings at the park, it was fun. I love spending time with them. I have met Rosie before, but I have only talked to Martyn on msn. He was not what I expected him to be at all, but not necessarily in a bad way.  He is gay, but he wasnt at all "camp," I didnt really expect that he would be, but he was so interesting, his body language was so quirky, he reminded me of Edward Scissorhands, voice and all, without the scissors. He was an interesting person to get to know.

Friday.
Megan came over and we talked and sunbathed. She told me how her boyfriend cant stay at his house, because his mother is mental, but even though she has the space in her house, she doesnt want to let him move in because he is a bit of a "waster." We ate crisps and cake, and she went on about her and Dom having sex. We both went home and I went out to the cinema with Rosie, Popo and the Dreamking. We all went to see Drag Me to Hell, which is one of the best films I have seen in a long time. Me and Rosie held eachothers sweaty palms because we were that scared. It was fun, there was a lot things that we laughed at, and alot we screamed or jumped at.

Saturday.

Sunbathed a bit more and Dad made a barbeque, which was nice and filling. I went down to Popo's afterwards and watched the Britains Got Talent final, gutted Susan Boyle didnt win Britains got talent but Diversity were pretty goood too.


{I wrote this on saturday, I just forgot to post it.]

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